Your teenager has a major assignment due tomorrow. They’ve known about it for weeks, yet they’re still staring at a blank screen at 11 PM, anxious and overwhelmed. When you ask why they didn’t start earlier, they respond with frustration or tears.
It’s tempting to see this as laziness.
Perfectionism, low distress tolerance, and avoidance can lock your capable child into a cycle of procrastination. Here’s how to spot it and how to help.
What’s going on underneath?
The perfectionism–procrastination trap
“If I can’t do this perfectly, what’s the point?” High standards raise the bar so high that any start feels risky. Procrastination becomes a shield to avoid testing their ability.
Low distress tolerance
Hard tasks stir up discomfort (self‑doubt, frustration, fear of judgement). Without practice sitting with these feelings, avoidance takes over.
The last‑minute paradox
Rushing removes time to doubt or second‑guess. It can feel safer, but it prevents learning what they can do under steady conditions and quietly confirms the “not good enough” story.
The self‑reinforcing cycle
- High expectations → anxiety about performance.
- Anxiety → uncomfortable feelings (frustration, shame, fear).
- Low tolerance → avoidance (tidying desk, more research, “I’ll start later”).
- Time pressure builds → last‑minute sprint.
- Work below personal standard → “I could’ve done better,” but skills don’t grow.
- Belief in inadequacy deepens → next task feels even harder.
Signs it’s more than “typical teen” procrastination
- Most assignments start the night before despite earlier intention to begin
- Big swings between very high marks and last‑minute passes
- Excessive rewriting/erasing, or spending hours on a single paragraph
- Avoiding help due to fear of judgement
- Mood changes around school (irritability, shutdowns, tears)
- Sleep disruption before due dates.
How you can support your child at home
Validate and name the process
“Your brain’s trying to keep you safe from feeling not‑good‑enough. That makes sense. Let’s take a tiny step together.”
Coach five‑minute tolerances
Set a timer: “Let’s stay with this for five minutes. We’re practising being uncomfortable on purpose.”
Make starting smaller
Shrink the entry point: one sentence, a dot‑point plan, or 10 minutes of focused work. Celebrate starting, not just finishing.
Gently call out avoidance
“I notice you’re colour‑coding again. What feels hard about starting the first paragraph?” Keep judgement out; stay curious.
Decouple worth from marks
State it plainly and often: “I love you regardless of your grades.” Separate effort and learning from outcomes.
Model persistence through discomfort
Let them see you struggle and continue: “This is hard and I’m going to keep going for 10 minutes, then break.”
Use a visible, low‑friction plan
- Break task → mini‑steps (outline, references, draft, edit)
- Put first tiny step in the calendar today
- Use brief, regular check‑ins (2–3 mins) rather than long lectures
Avoid rescuing
Offer scaffolding (structure, accountability), not doing it for them. Doing the work teaches helplessness; standing alongside builds capacity.
Building skills over time (what therapy can target)
- Distress tolerance: Practising short exposures to discomfort with grounding tools.
- Cognitive flexibility (CBT): Challenging all‑or‑nothing thinking; adopting “good‑enough to begin.”
- Values‑based action (ACT): Choosing small steps linked to what matters (learning, curiosity, integrity), even when anxiety is present.
- Task design skills: Breaking tasks realistically, estimating time, planning breaks and sleep.
- Self‑compassion: Responding to setbacks like you would to a friend; noticing progress over perfection.
When to seek extra support
If this pattern is persistent (6+ weeks), impacts sleep/mood, or leads to school refusal or significant conflict at home, a clinician can help.
How Mind Health Collective can help
Our psychologists support adolescents to:
- build distress tolerance and start skills,
- reduce avoidance habits, and
- discover what they’re capable of under steady, supportive conditions.
We also work with parents on coaching strategies at home and, with consent, collaborate with schools and GPs.
Next step: Speak with our intake team about options for your teen, or book an initial consult.